by Burt Prelutsky | Los Angeles

Liberals like to use “military intelligence” and “compassionate conservatives” as prime examples of oxymorons, but I think better ones are “civil servants” and “tolerant liberals”.  Best of all, though, is a friend’s contribution, “Larry King Live”.

If there’s one form of animal life that irritates me even more than gophers, rattlesnakes and run-of-the-mill socialists like Henry Waxman and Barney Frank, it’s so-called Republicans like John McCain and Lindsey Graham who are convinced that the more they reach across the aisle and the less partisan they are in their politics, the more statesmanlike they’ll appear. In much the same way that a conservative used to be described as a liberal who’d just been mugged, my working definition of a statesman is a politician who’s just lost an election.  And in the case of McCain and Graham, I say the sooner, the better.

In a related matter, I recently underwent a transformation of my own.  Because I had turned 70 this past January, I felt I was finally and officially an old guy, and I was okay with it.  But then Obama and Pelosi got their health care bill passed.  The bill, among other things, guaranteed that people would remain covered by their parents’ medical insurance policies up to the age of 26.  Well, I decided if 25-year-olds are still children, I’m still middle-aged!

Here in California, we’re being inundated with public service announcements urging us to comply with the census takers.  We’re told that if our noses aren’t counted, California could lose seats in Congress.  As a conservative, I naturally found myself wondering why that would be such a bad thing.  After all, of our 53 current members of the House, 34 are Democrats and four of them are Pelosi, Waxman, Brad Sherman and Maxine Waters.  Therefore, I think it would be a great thing if conservatives in places like New York, Massachusetts and Illinois, turned off all their lights and ignored the doorbell when those busybodies come calling.

One of the worst things about taxes is how sneaky they are.  Sometimes they even use aliases, calling themselves fees, for instance.  For another, spendthrift legislators are always blaming convenient scapegoats when they cause taxes to skyrocket.  For instance, when the price of gasoline goes up, you inevitably hear a chorus of politicians blaming Big Oil, although I guarantee you that the feds and the states make a lot more money off a gallon of gas than Shell or Standard does.

We actually let the tax collectors get away with murder.  Imagine how loudly we’d all be screaming on April 15th if Uncle Sam hadn’t been withholding money from our paychecks or making some of us pay quarterly taxes all through the prior year!  Just picture having to sit down and write a check for the full amount.  There would be such an uprising, it would make the Tea Party crowd look like a bunch of shut-ins.

If I had to choose either politicians or members of the MSM for extinction, I’d be like a kid in a candy store, darn hard-pressed to make a decision.  As Mark Twain observed: “If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed.  If you do read it, you’re misinformed.”

Which reminds me, I’ve been meaning to ask: Is there more than one fathead working at Fox named Juan Williams?  I swear, every time I tune in, there he is, speaking in those well-modulated tones and saying the most asinine things.  He is so far into the tank for the administration, I have to assume he is auditioning to replace Robert Gibbs if the press secretary ever chokes on one of his lies and is rushed to the hospital to have it surgically removed.

Some newswoman suggested that referring to the President and basketball in the same sentence was racist.  I, on the other hand, think that referring to Obama and basketball in the same sentence is hogwash.  I mean, I have seen the way this guy throws a baseball and swings a golf club.  He gives nerds a bad name.  Furthermore, nobody who is any good at basketball could be such an absolute klutz at every other form of physical activity.  He even admitted to bowling a 39!  Believe me, I’m not much of a bowler, but if someone would guide me to the foul line, I could do better than that blindfolded.  And I can just imagine one of those stooges we always see pictured on the court with Obama trying to body check him on his way to the basket, and waking up to find himself on the hardwood, buried under half a dozen Secret Service agents.

Politics aside, we understand that blacks love Obama because he looks like them, and a certain number of goony whites love him because he doesn’t.  The rest of us despise him because of his policies and his general antipathy to American values, traditions and history.  If that makes us racists according to the New York Times, MSNBC and the Huffington Post, so be it.  I only ask that they then explain their blatant contempt for Clarence Thomas, Condoleezza Rice and black members of the Tea Party movement.


copyright 2010 Burt Prelutsky

Television scriptwriter, former humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine.

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