by Burt Prelutsky | Los Angeles

One of my many beefs with left-wingers is that they rarely say what they mean or mean what they say.  For instance, liberals constantly carry on as if homosexuals in 2010 are an oppressed minority whose status is comparable to that of black slaves 150 years ago.  They even pretend that their opposition to the Boy Scouts and the U.S. military has something to do with their respective policies towards gays.  However, let a Republican politician grope a male colleague or play footsies in an airport men’s room and these same tolerant, broad-minded, individuals start brandishing a lynch rope.

Speaking of alternate life styles, as liberals describe homosexual behavior when referring to sexual deviance involving their political allies, I think the curriculum in sex education classes should be expanded.  In addition to teaching the young sprouts how to make certain that bananas never engage in unprotected sexual activity, I think they should show films of young criminals being initiated into prison life.  It just might help to discourage a few teenage hot shots from driving cars and spray-painting walls that don’t belong to them.

Sometimes, I take a look at what’s going on in Washington and, like any other sensible person, I just want to sit down and cry.  But then I take another look and I can’t help laughing.  I mean, has it ever occurred to you that the House and the Senate each has members in what are amusingly referred to as ethics committees.  Can you imagine sitting on one of those committees and each and every day when you go home, you have to listen to your spouse ask the same question: “Well, honey, what didn’t you do today?”

Expecting those creeps to police themselves is a lot like asking the fox to place himself under arrest for raiding the chicken coop.

If I weren’t such a cold-hearted brute, I might actually start feeling sorry for Barack Obama.  The poor guy was so darn certain that Iran would love him every bit as much as those infatuated bobby-soxers over at MSNBC, but no matter how often he batted his eyes and dropped his hanky, Mahmud Ahmadinejad remained impervious to his charms.  One can only guess how often he cried himself to sleep, wondering why it couldn’t be Chris Matthews or Keith Olbermann who was ruling Iran.

Finally, though, Obama dried his tears and asked himself, “What would Neville Chamberlain do?”  And, sure enough, the answer came to him in a flash:  If Iran won’t stop their nuclear bomb program, he decided, we’ll stop ours!  I can see him turning to Michelle and saying, “That’ll show the bums at Fox News that I mean business.  And then to drive the lesson home, I’ll team up with the one nation that’s always had our best interests at heart — Russia!”

But not even Chamberlain would have thought of announcing that so long as an enemy — not that we have any in the age of Obama — only uses chemical or biological weapons to attack us or one of our allies — not that we have any in the age of Obama — we vow not to use nuclear weapons in retaliation.

We’ve all heard of people who were so dumb they brought a knife to a gunfight.  We have a commander in chief who’d bring a water pistol.

How in the world did we come to elect a knucklehead who only talks tough to England, Israel and the Tea Party crowd, and who thinks it’s a nifty idea to replace the Geneva Conventions with the Marquis of Queensberry rules?

Who, I’d like to know, would have ever guessed that we’d come to regard the Carter years as the good old days? CRO

copyright 2010 Burt Prelutsky

Television scriptwriter, former humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine.

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