by Burt Prelutsky | Los Angeles

Nancy Pelosi received 204,996 votes in her last congressional election and another 233 votes to then garner the speakership.  You would think someone would have to collect more than 205,229 votes to be as arrogant as the San Francisco Smirker.  Pelosi, who hasn’t been able to blink in several years and should serve as fair warning against the dangers of plastic surgery, is just a couple of heart beats away from taking possession of the White House.  That hardly seems fair when the present occupant had to con — I mean convince — 63 million Americans to elect him, whereas Mrs. Pelosi couldn’t even get elected mayor of Cleveland with her paltry 205,000 votes.

Whenever I see Pelosi’s super-sized luxury jet, I’m reminded of those bumper-stickers one occasionally sees around town that announce My Other Car is a Motorcycle or, on a ’94 Saturn, My Other Car is a Limousine.  Her plane should have a large sticker on its tail that reads: My Other Plane is a Broomstick, and so, come to think of it, should she.

Speaking of the White House, some folks thought I was being needlessly cruel when I titled my recent book “Liberals: America’s Termites.”  Maybe so, but I still think that Obama’s successor should fumigate the place just to be on the safe side.

On the other hand, I don’t think that people should be too hard on the First Lady just because she apparently has more ladies-in-waiting than Marie Antoinette, Catherine the Great and Leona Helmsley, put together.  I know that a lot of folks felt she was carrying on like the queen bee of a banana republic, but not I.  I understood that she was merely doing her part to help her hubby keep the nation’s unemployment rate below 10%.

In case you haven’t noticed, ever since Barack Obama moved into the Oval Office, he’s given one speech after another.  Rumor has it that he’s already gone through a dozen Teleprompters.  Moreover, the majority of his spiels seem to be devoted to his trying to clarify or, in some instances, absolutely deny and contradict what he stated in earlier addresses.  The end result is that it all becomes something of a vicious circle, resembling a snake trying to swallow its own tail.

I mean, even if you’re a fan of his, you have to admit that the only thing longer than Obama’s health care bill were the endless lectures he devoted to the subject.  Not too long ago, a woman asked him a question, and 17 minutes later, barely pausing to take a breath, he was still blathering on.  The man obviously suffers from diarrhea of the vocal cords, but, unfortunately, that’s one more malady the health care bill doesn’t cover.

Still, in spite of the fact that His Haughtiness never shuts up for even five seconds at a time and is on TV more often than that fellow trying to sell us gold, he never tells me what I really want to know.  For instance, am I the only person who’s curious about what ever happened to his mother-in-law?  And where is Bo, the First Dog, these days?  I’ve seen neither hide nor hair of either one in a very long time, and, as a taxpayer at least partially responsible for their well-being, I’d like to know whether either one is back in Chicago or waiting to be adopted at the local pound.

Finally, when John Edwards used to go on and on about the two Americas, he pretended to be speaking about the rich and the poor when, as I suspected all along, he was actually referring to those who would or wouldn’t have sex with him.  On the other hand, he was correct in suggesting there existed a real division in our nation.  As I see it, there are those who see a pile of horse poop and assume there must be a pony, and there are the rest of us who see the same steaming mess and assume that Barack Obama has just delivered another speech. CRO

copyright 2010 Burt Prelutsky

Television scriptwriter, former humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine.

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