by Burt Prelutsky | Los Angeles
These days, as we see Obama’s approval rating plummeting in the polls and we hear more and more people expressing buyer’s remorse, it occurs to me that the only two areas of advertising in which blatant lies are permitted are movies and politics. And I, for one, would like to know why we can get our money back if we buy a toaster that burns the pumpernickel, but not if we’re tricked into seeing a Will Ferrell movie the ads insisted was a laugh riot. And why is it we’re not allowed a do-over if it turns out we voted for a devout Marxist only because he swore he was a centrist during the campaign?
Next, I’d like to know why when congressmen swear to uphold and defend the Constitution, which still included the 1st and 2nd amendment the last time I looked, Rep. Henry Waxman gets to say, “If someone is so fearful that they’re going to start using their weapons to protect their rights, it makes me very nervous that these people have these weapons at all.” If I recall correctly, that’s the same thing that King George III said back around 1775. It seems that the King, who was nicknamed Mad George, was only intermittently out of his gourd, according to his contemporaries. But even on his worst days, it’s unlikely that he, unlike Mad Henry, would have voted to continue funding ACORN.
Sometimes I give myself a headache trying to figure out why so-called intellectuals — those in the obsequious media and academia — are so bloody anxious to give a giant shout-out to such idiocies as cap & trade, 12 trillion dollar deficits and Castrocare — policies guaranteed to bankrupt America, programs that wouldn’t redistribute wealth, but would merely guarantee poverty. Why, I ask myself, would anyone want to emulate England and Canada, where you have to enter a lottery in order to get dibs on a doctor and wait months, sometimes years, for an operation?
The only reason I can come up with is that these eggheads believe that only by radically shaking up the status quo will they obtain the power and prestige they crave so desperately. Even if the end result is a dictatorship, they’re okay with it so long as they wind up in the inner circle.
Oddly enough, although they love to parrot Santayana’s line about those who don’t learn from history being doomed to repeat it, it’s they who were obviously dozing off in class when they should have been taking notes. The fact is, as history tells us, Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot and Castro, all treated their useful idiots — I mean their intellectuals — the exact same way; namely, as compost.
Yet another obnoxious thing about elitists is the way they go on about the wonders of diversity. But of course the only diversity they ever champion is the one defined by pigmentation. When it comes to diversity of opinion, they all become as censorious as Cotton Mather. Let a conservative try to speak on a college campus and he’ll be shouted down. Let a conservative speak his mind on the radio, TV or Internet, and the president makes threatening noises about shutting them down and shutting them up.
Recently, we were told one of the biggest lies of all. We were told by the New York Times, the U.S. military and Barack Obama, that Major Hasan had simply cracked up. We were told he was suffering from the very first case of pre-post-traumatic stress disorder. We were even told that he killed 13 soldiers and an unborn baby and wounded 30 other people because he had at one time or another been teased.
What we weren’t told, because it might embarrass Muslims, is that Major Hasan was a devout Islamic. On the other hand, if Hasan had been a devout Christian who had hollered “Christ is great!” as he went on his slaughter spree, why do I doubt that the N.Y. Times, General Casey and Barack Obama, would be trying to bury the truth under a truckload of politically correct manure?
Frankly, I’m sick and tired of our leaders trying to convince us that we’re not engaged in a religious war. There is a reason that in the wake of 9/11, we didn’t immediately bomb Saudi Arabia, Iran, Yemen or Syria. Oil aside, we didn’t bomb them because the U.S. wasn’t attacked by any one country, as we had been when Japan leveled Pearl Harbor. This time, the sneak attack was perpetrated by a religion. It was the same vile religion that took hostages in 1979, that bombed our embassies and our Marine base, that blew a hole in the USS Cole, and that first tried to bring down the Twin Towers, in 1993.
And because it’s a religious war, a jihad, I don’t understand why neither we nor Israel fights it in the appropriate fashion. Why is it that our military doesn’t dip its bullets and bombs in pig blood and why doesn’t Israel announce that the remains of suicide bombers will henceforth be buried in pigskins?
It’s hard to imagine that even after 61 years of constant attacks and threats of extinction, Israel still insists on taking prisoners. Eventually, when Israel has jailed enough of these vermin, the enemy kidnaps, tortures and murders, an Israeli soldier, and then swaps his corpse for a hundred or two hundred terrorists.
I suspect that liberals will find my suggestions not only insensitive, but downright repulsive. Leave it to a liberal to be more deeply offended by the spilling of a pig’s blood than that of a human.
It just seems to me that if you have kryptonite, you’re a schmuck if you don’t use it. CRO
copyright 2009 Burt Prelutsky
Television scriptwriter, former humor columnist for the L.A. Times and a movie critic for Los Angeles magazine.